There was this chair.
A black chair.
I'd leave next to my bed... for you to come sit on. To watch me while I slept.
It was how I knew you were there... guarding me.
There was a night after much discussion, a night after I called you - with a guru mantra. 108 times.
That you came in and burst through the door and sat on the chair, after you hadn't for a long while. As you.
Black robes.. scales on your skin... you came in as a full reptilian - let's just say, the ones I've been fighting… the ones on the other side.
And you sat down across from me and you asked me - how is this going to work?
Tell me, how is this going to work?
Never before had I seen you like that - but you came as all of you and sat there across from me with your frustration, with your seriousness, with all of you and asked me - what will we do?
How will this work?
I am a General - as are you - on the Opposite Side of this war we are fighting.
And you looked at me - as if I would run, as if I would be stunned, as if I would reject you, banish you, be horrified at you. You were showing me now - everything - your darkness, your light - a General - of the Reptilian army - the other side. You...an Angel... of the Light - A General in His army - and you asking me, you calling me
How is this going to work? As you stared at me with the face of my enemy.
And what did I do?
I got up... and I went to my closet and I began to change. I was tired and I wanted to go to bed.
You with all your frustration mixed with desire - that's not going to work on me you know.
Me... You're my husband. I don't care. I can do whatever I want with you.
"Mein shaadi hocchokyun hai..." my soul repeated to you, yet again.
And I went...and lay down on my bed watching you.
You, as you stared at me with everything in your being, to fight your own self to stay sitting there.
Why are you here, and I said your name.
Why have you come?
I wish I could find...the original writings... in the heaps of thousands of screen shots of our conversations over time... it was far more beautifully said but I will recall it as I can for the purposes that it is intended - speaking the truth as it were today.
Why are you here... I asked with a sigh.
You sighed...and you leaned back as you watched me with that same steady penetrating gaze from day 1.
"Because...in all my 900 000 years of existence... never have I ever seen a more beautiful creature than you... From the inside - out."
I just continued lying down as I always do... I said you can sit there and fight yourself all you want or you can just come here, and cuddle me. It's up to you.
I don't know
How long you fought for
I was falling in, and out of sleep
but you gave in... you gave in eventually to me, and you came
and you loved me to sleep.
As you - and as me.
And you held me
and for that moment none of it mattered.
You surrendered...to that truth - that in the face of our love - none of it. Mattered.
I woke up that morning...after that night...you were gone... but in my hands - my Rudraksha mala was in my grip. Holding to it so tightly my entire arm was hurting...all the way up to my shoulder.
It had been all the way on the other side of the bed... after I had been chanting to call you forward... to call you home to me... the 108 times... but there it was in my hands, as I clung to it for my dear life all through the night.
You left it...in my hands... to show me you had come. You had been here... that you had spent that night with me - as we were. You really had come. As you...and as me.
And as the dreams came back to me... of deep state visions.... all the friends that had come to see me... crossed the divide to answer me... a distress call... so loud they said - so many had come, those from high school... those from university... friends they said... your friends. Not his...not any of his forms - but your friends. We are still with you Shalini. You went somewhere we could not follow... but for what you gave us...the love we shared... the true choices given we are always here. A distress call so loud... coming from me - they all crossed that divide and came to me. And you... you speaking to them on a train... not to me... but to them... a plan I wasn't aware of ...
It had always been your plan, after all.
But what I remembered most in it all...that when I went on that train to find you - having seen you sitting there down the row speaking to them... away from me. I went to ask you a question...
Is there a significance behind a silver beaded Rudraksha mala?
Because in my hand...in my sleep...with my third eye I could see myself clutching the Rudraksha mala...except... it was silver...and glittering...those small beads... I said it looked like a dog tag chain...
Wanted to ask you... is there significance to that? I knew there must be... it was glittering in the light...with my true vision...my third eye...my mind's eye that Rudraksha mala in my deep sleep state was a silver, glittering chain with small circles linked together... like a dog tag chain.
You must know I figured... it was the only way to ask you... but by the time I looked for you... on the train to ask... you were gone.
When I woke up, and saw the mala in my hand... I knew it was true and again I asked you...in the ways I know how to reach you.. through my heart...from inside of me...
Does it have significance?
No, you said... when I asked
Then I realized...and I asked... Do you have a chain... like this?
Yes.
You answered.
And you wear it?
Yes.
My Rudraksha mala...is your chain.
Because you are my Shiva.
And that's what you told me that night...when you left it in my hand.
August 11th, 2020.
Someone... a friend of my parents saw this painting in my grandparents’ home when I was 11 and we still lived there... when my parents had separated and we were all in transition and lost and confused. He asked me... why is He dark? and She is so light?
I didn't know the answer... I wasn't sure what to say... He is Shiva... and she is Shakti... was all I could think to say...
I asked my Mother later... it bothered me... I felt I hadn't answered him fully... felt I didn't know the answer myself...
She smiled and laughed... and said... Oh Shally... I thought you would have said...
Because He is Night.
And She...is Day.
- SDS
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